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Today would've been your 17th birthday. It's been almost a year since I had to say goodbye. The most painful goodbye I have ever said, the most heartbreaking one and the one I wish I never had to say. I'm not delusional, I know you were "just" a cat, not supposed to live as long as me, not supposed to stay with me until I take my last breath. I knew I was going to be there for yours though. I held you in my arms, held your little paw, actually had to giggle a little about that little splash of whipped cream on your nose and the blep you made because you couldn't stop enjoying it. You loved anything milky - even yearned for my coffee because of that. Then again, one wasn't even allowed to leave a glass of water unattended. You would totally steal anything from anyone if they weren't watching. I'm just glad I got to give you this last forbidden goodness, knowing you wouldn't have any tummy aches anymore, not even if you enjoyed the whole damn spray can of whipped cream. I threw the rest of it away, I couldn't bring myself up to eat it. It was your whipped cream, not mine.
I think about you every day, I miss you every day, I tell people stories about you every day. I know you didn't leave me entirely, just that small weak body of yours. The body I loved having next to mine, be it sleeping on my pillow above my head or curled up in my lap or even just walking over my boobs as if there wasn't any other path you could choose to leave some paw prints on. The body that had to follow me wherever I was going, even - or more like especially - when it was the toilet. The body I loved to watch when you were sleeping, with its chest going up and down, up and down, up and down... your little mouth opening up for little breaths, sometimes a little snore, sometimes a few funny noises... your tiny paws twitching when you were dreaming, the paws I then held to let you know you're not alone, you don't have to be afraid. Sometimes you would wake up and look at me totally confused. It made me laugh. You made me laugh. And even when I cry because I miss you, I laugh because of so many fond memories I have of you, of us, of our time together.
You were the love of my life and I know that you knew it. Obviously, because I told you so every single day. Just like I told you every day that I would never leave you alone and be with you until the end. I kept my promise. And now, I miss you, every single day. Twelve years were not enough.
I remember the first time I saw you, hiding under that wooden corner bench. I had to crawl under the table so I could say hi to you, let you sniff my hand and fall in love with you the moment I looked into your eyes. I had just seen another cat that I thought was cute but all of a sudden, everybody else in the room was forgotten. It was you. You were the one I wanted to take home. But the shelter lady (oh, she was a crazy cat lady indeed!) made it really difficult for us. So many times I had to visit you, so many times the old lady said "nope, not today", until finally, she caved in and I got to bring you home with me. You were always so curious, never shy, never scared. You inspected every inch of your new place, you let me pet you - but not too much or you would scratch and bite (not too bad but I have so many little scars all over my body...).
You hated being alone (and outside!) - and I hated leaving you, even just for a few minutes. In return, you peed on anything textile. And hey, I get it, it made you angry but why did you have to pee even on shoes and bags? I'm sorry that we had to close doors to cozy bedrooms and living rooms when nobody was at home to spend time with you. It broke my heart every single time, knowing that you have no comfy pillow to sleep on - just the cold floors of the bathroom and corridor. Then again, you loved sleeping in sinks - so I hope you got to just nap in there while waiting for me to come back home and cuddle you way too much because I missed you endlessly.
One thing I loved most about you was your way with people. You met someone new? No problem! You loved them instantly, let them pet you, charmed them, treated them like family. Everybody who came over to visit got that one sentence from me: "Do not leave your water unattended, he's gonna stick his head in the cup!" - oh and how many times people just forgot because they didn't really take me seriously. Your obsession with water and milk... I can't believe how I put up with eating next to you while you not only tried but often even succeeded to steal what's on my plate. That one time you snatched away this big piece of Christmas duck, I am giggling while thinking about it. They way you growled and hissed at me when I tried to get my stolen foods back. You were a stinky little boy! My stinky little boy...
The worst times weren't when you pooped all over my apartment, they were when I had to leave you for longer periods of time. Like those six months I had to leave you with my parents. Six months we didn't spend together. For work, a job I hated so much, a job that made me sick. I wish I could take those six months back. Or when I was dating these two absolute bastards in 2018 and 2019 (at least it wasn't to long each time) and left you alone over night. I am so sorry for doing that. I regret this so badly you have no idea. All those times I could've spent more time with you and just wasted them on bad people and this horrible job... I wish I could've added those months to your life before having to say goodbye.
I remember noticing you getting older, starting to choose other places for your poopies than your toilets. Seeming a bit confused. Taking you to the vet. Finally learning about your chronical illness, the pancreatitis. Getting permanent medication for it so I could have some more time with you. It all getting a bit better. Feeling hopeful for a few more years with you.
And then that one day when I decided that we will have one last month together. It was a horrible day yet somehow comforting, knowing you wouldn't be in pain anymore for too long. I knew it had been your choice not mine otherwise I would've never decided on it. I knew you were okay with it so I was okay with it too - even though it hurt every single day.
I'm especially thankful for that last month we spent together. The afternoons in the sun, the extra cuddles, some "fun" (for me, not for you, I guess) activities like our photo shoot or the paw pics on the scanner and I guess I will never forget about the prints because you hated these with passion. All those memories make me smile and some of them even giggle - and I am thankful for that. I am glad that this last month we had wasn't full of visible pain and torture, instead it was full of love and knowing that it was the right choice. Even though I kept saying that it seems like you aren't even sick and it makes it even harder, I knew you were not okay inside. Your tummy must have been aching, you lost so much weight, your fur was so fuzzy and in the end, it seemed like going potty wasn't even an option anymore.
Our last night together felt way too short, I could barely sleep, feeling like I would miss out on precious seconds with you. And then, the morning, waiting for the vet felt like an eternity... Knowing it would happen soon but actually having to wait for it was the worst torture. I'm glad we weren't alone.
Thank you for staying in my arms for the end, I'm so glad I got to hold you and your paw and look into your eyes, feel all that love that we had for each other and just know that I kept my promise. It meant the world to me that I got to hug you one last time.
The moment your little soul left your body, I felt so much warmth, so much love, and a piece of your soul attaching itself to mine. You're forever a part of me even though I cannot touch you anymore. I hate that I cannot see you but I still feel you all the time. And I cannot wait for out reunion on the other side of the rainbow bridge even though it might still take some time for me to get there. I hope you don't miss me too much because I know you can see me in the clouds. I'll try not to cry too often and make those clouds rain because I know how much you hated baths.
Happy Birthday in Kitty Heaven, I hope you get all the whipped cream and snackies from your friends up there.
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